Movie Review – Up In The Air

•December 13, 2009 • Leave a Comment

OMG, this movie was so awesome.


It always makes me feel smart when I know what’s gonna happen in a movie way before it happens. I felt like a fucking genius watching this one.

The Story

This movie can best be described as adequate. Guy has a swinging bachelor life he really enjoys, meets someone who is as much of a whore as he is and realizes that maybe he could finally settle down. Blah.

My biggest problem with this film is that George Clooney is too fucking good looking. You can’t feel bad for him because no matter what happens to him on screen, in the back of your mind you know he’s going back to some Italian villa to be fed grapes and pizza by a bunch of supermodels as they fan him with palm fronds.

Personally, I think Clooney needs to pull a Cameron Diaz ala Being John Malkovich.  Ugly himself up a bit.  Wouldn’t it be easier to feel bad for him if he looked like this?

I have to give the filmmakers some credit.  In an effort to distract the viewer from his looks, they have conveniently put him next to ugly people as seen here:


and here…

If you have anything else to get done over your holidays, do it.  Toenails getting a little long?  When’s the last time you cleaned out your freezer?  If, after all that you still want to go see it, bring me the $15 and I’ll sit you down and tell you shit you already know for two hours.

4 Hanks


Changing things up

•December 5, 2009 • 1 Comment

So, I guess my blog is so awesomely successful that the servers aren’t capable of handling the traffic.

Thinking of taking my blog mainstream. this means I’ll need to change the name so I can get a corresponding website name.

Anyone with name ideas, spill it now.


Haiku from the grid

•December 4, 2009 • Leave a Comment

check out this blog of LA haiku.

Eats – Kabob Way

•December 4, 2009 • 3 Comments

For a while now I’ve been driving by this restaurant called Kabob Way.  Now, I’m not the type of guy whose life revolves around kabobs but I can appreciate a kabob now and then.

There was something special about Kabob Way though.  Something that caught my eye.

Can you spot it?

Nope, it’s not the playful use of the one way sign or even the fact that Kabob Way is clearly located on Acacia Ave. which, on google maps, is located nowhere near a “Kabob Way” (note: there is a Kabob Lane in Kennet Square, PA). Nope,  it’s the promise of “No Heartburn”.  How can this be possible?

To begin my investigation, I looked up the most common causes of heartburn.  They are:

  • Coffee, tea, and other drinks that contain caffeine
  • Chocolate
  • Fried and fatty foods
  • Tomatoes and tomato-based products
  • Alcohol
  • Tobacco
  • Your heart actually being on fire

My first step in determining if such a claim was real was to look through their menu.   They don’t have dessert so no chocolate.  Nothing fried.  They serve no alcohol or tobacco either.  What about tomatoes?  Aha.  They do serve them!  The smoking gun!  Oh, and they also serve tea.

After proving their claim to be false with the simple power of research (there was no asterisk on their sign saying “except if you eat tomatoes, drink tea or have a pre-existing condition like acid reflux”.) I decided to try their food.  This was mainly because I’d been sitting in their parking lot researching heartburn for two hours on my phone and I was getting hungry.

The Decor:

I could review the decor, but if you look on Kabob Way’s own website, they have some reviews already there.  Such as this one from Shantay S. in Northridge:

“I liked it. It’s clean and easy to locate. The only problem I have is the decorations, it’s a little tacky, but overall the food is delicious and I much prefer it over other kebab joints I’ve been to. It’s affordable and the portions are reasonable. I’ll probably be heading there again.”

Or this one from Athena P. in Glendale:

“The decor isn’t that great, but the food is excellent! I think its funny and kinda tacky how they have ”No heart burn” on there sign out side of the restaurant. But truth be told I’ve never experienced heart burn after eating at Kabab Way. Prices are good and the people that work there are nice.”

Perhaps someone ought to let Mr. or Mrs. Kabob know that the trick to using patron reviews is all in the editing.  Like the one above should be “…the food is excellent!  Prices are good and the people that work there are nice.”.

I wanted to pull some photos of their decor and luckily their website also had some of those.  Like this one of the interior:

Or this one of one of their kitschy art pieces:

Or this one of the owner in the kitchen showing how proud he is of their food:

Or this one of a child being prepared as soup:

Or this one of the owner preparing said child as soup:

There are a few more like this on their website.  There is no explanation and you have to keep hitting down arrow on their gallery to get to them.  I think when one finds pictures like this on a restaurant’s website, it really begs the question: “Is it soup or is it technically a stew?”.

The Food:

The food was actually really good.  I had a chicken Kabob special which had a chicken kabob, some hummus and some pickled turnip along with a few pieces of pita bread.  It took about 20 minutes for my food to be brought to my table but I chalk that up to the fact that it was freshly prepared.

Kabob Way

  • 4 Hanks for decor
  • 0 Hanks for an awesome website
  • 1 Hank for Food (because of the wait)

Movie Review – Old Dogs

•December 2, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Ok, let’s not kid ourselves. There is no way in hell I’d ever see this movie. I do feel some sense of responsibility to my readers though, and that is why I’m going to review it without seeing it.

I have performed a simple google image search on the title and I will base my review on that. Here goes:

Wow oh wow. Williams and Travolta are back in full force with the release of Old Dogs.

The Plot:

This movie is about two has-been actors (Joe and Mark let’s say) who had some significant success in the 70’s 80’s and 90’s but have been struggling since 9/11. Their careers are in the shitter and they know it. Enter a gorilla.

The gorilla really gives these two a run for their money by eating a banana and dropping the peel on the ground so they slip on it, yanking off Joe’s toupée and then probably escaping into the city where the pair must quickly find him before whoever owns the gorilla finds out because “if anything happens to that gorilla, you’ll both wish you were never born”.   The gorilla also chases some dogs and some kids and Seth Green.

Speaking of kids, this is the debut performance of Travolta’s daughter Ella (as seen in this music video from the movie.

After Joe and Mark finally find the gorilla, all is not well.  IT’S THE WRONG GORILLA!  Do you believe it?  Well you should because it’s true I bet.  Somehow their gorilla got mixed up with the one at the zoo and now they can’t get theirs back because the zoo one is being shipped back to Africa.  What to do?

Joe and Mark try everything to get this gorilla back but to no avail.

Well, the pair is obviously depressed.   Joe tries to off himself by launching his car from the golden gate bridge but it gets stuck on the railing and wouldn’t you know it?

The ensuing traffic jam delayed the gorilla from getting to the airport and with Mark’s help, Joe is not only able to rescue the gorilla, but also show his daughter that he really is a caring father despite neglecting her for all these years.

This movie is the feel good movie of the year and I give it 0 (imaginary)Hanks.

Letter to stores

•December 1, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Dear Every Company,

Your commercials featuring a group of people singing Christmas carols with the words replaced to talk about your current deals are:

1. Not funny
2. Not original
3. Annoying

Please try harder next year.


A Poll

•November 30, 2009 • Leave a Comment