Joie de Pee Part II: Urethral Boogaloo

By Hank Friedmann, with help from New Guest Blogger’s Guest Blogger Adam Deyoe

It is at this present moment in time and space that I must hit the brakes, polish the spokes, and change the gears on this three-wheeled urinal-centric guest blogcycle.

It has come to my attention that, while many have read my previous review on the boy’s gym urinal at Hughes Middle School in Long Beach, California (here), few to none have actually ventured out of their mildewed opium dens in order to experience it for themselves. I cannot tell if this is due to the poor review it received (7 out of 10 Howards, 10 being AWFUL) or because the bulk of Howard’s readership are not allowed within the 50 yards of the premises of any middle school.

Because that particular urinal is all but unaccessible, and because I truly believe my guest blog deserves to reach Zagat-like fame, I have chosen to review more conveniently located urinals. So shut your big fat face, open your big fat eyes, and gaze unto a big fat guest blog the likes of which no man, woman, or in-betweener has ever gazed unto.

Urinal, Bar Lubitsch:
Писсуар (fr. Pissoir), Бар Любич

Bar Lubitsch is a Russian-themed bar in West Hollywood. For those not in the know, West Hollywood = (gay men + Russians/Ukranians/Belorussians)^2 = Bar Lubitsch. It’s Soviet-era urinal? To die for (and probably a couple of thousand folks in the Gulag have died in the process of manufacturing this monstrosity).

The Goods: (according to Deyoe)

  1. There’s only one urinal, making it a hot commode-ity
  2. Restroom has a bunker-like ambience
  3. Thick wall gives privacy
  4. Safe hiding space in an earthquake

The Bads: (according to Deyoe)

  1. Water overflow could damage shoes
  2. Flusher too high for elbow – bad for hygiene

Listen to the audio interview:

Despite this seemingly luke-warm review, Adam gives it 1 Howard out of 10 (according to Deyoe), ten Howards being absolutely vomitous.

In my opinion, Adam has been drawn in by Soviet propaganda and believes bigness = goodness. Therefore, the potential Kremlin stooge is forever banned from reviewing urinals, and I will take over in the name of Freedom.

Environmentally, this urinal is a disgrace. The sheer amount of kaolin used to create this porcelain monolith would upset even the most casual fan of An Inconvenient Truth. At present, with nearly all their kaolin gone to urinals and other oversized restroom fixtures, Russians and other former Soviet republics must use specialized cooking dough to create statues of their countries’ leaders.

Also, the 12 gallon flushing mechanism wastes water that could otherwise have been used to grow premium beats and potatoes on Soviet-era kolkhoz (communal farm). The water shortage caused by urinals such as this are credited as one of the lesser yet still significant causes of the downfall of the Soviet Union (288-290, Lenin’s Tomb, D. Remnick)

(beets are the main ingredient of borscht, which incidentally tastes like hot urine unless sour cream and salt are added and then tastes like hot urine with sour cream or salt)

Yet one cannot undermine the cultural value of having such a rare urinal in the States. Using it brings back memories of my own travels to Putin’s Paradise. In Russia, urinals like these are guarded by female sex-workers-turned-bathroom-attendants who sit inside the men’s room and collect 20 rubles per use (take my word for it – these ladies exist, but googling “Russian toilet lady” will not yield proper results). Also the poetic act of releasing a processed stream of All-American Budwieser onto a Soviet-made product whilst safe on American soil makes one feel victorious.

America, Fuck Yeah.

My rating is an attempt to balance the urinal’s cultural significance with my own awareness of its environmentally damaging aspects. Therefore, my review (and the only review you, as an American, should pay attention too) is 5 out of 10 Howards , ten being eaten alive by snarks like Howard.

Here’s a comedy sketch about toilets written by the slightly femme but talented writer Quinn Callens (as performed by the members of Mainstage Sketch)


~ by hmsla on December 21, 2009.

One Response to “Joie de Pee Part II: Urethral Boogaloo”

  1. what the fuck is a zagat

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