We Have Moved

•January 5, 2010 • Leave a Comment

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Review – Medieval Times

•January 1, 2010 • 3 Comments

The other night I decided to take my wife out for a romantic dinner.  I had always wanted to visit Buena Park California and so I investigated dining opportunities in that area.  One place that sprung up was Medieval Times restaurant.  It looked like the perfect place for a secluded dinner for two.  I made a reservation and readied my appetite.

The Atmosphere:

When we pulled up, my heart raced a bit.  Castles are known around the world for being the perfect place for lovers.   What’s more romantic than a castle?  Not much.

The place is very popular and crowded.  This was a good sign because it reassured me that the food must be spectacular.

When we first entered the kingdom, we were ushered into a courtyard where people smoked and children ran around.  Then into a Great Room.

Inside the Great Room, there were many opportunities for us to conveniently purchase items that we may have forgotten at home.  Things like glowing plastic swords, glowing hats, glowing sticks, glowing cups, shiny swords, shiny hats, shiny cups, regular hats, regular swords and alcoholic beverages.

The restaurant had an unusual smell.  At first I thought it smelled slightly reminiscent of horse shit.  I soon realized it was the smell of actual horse shit.  This only enhanced the experience for us as it made it more authentic.  I imagined the days of yore when stately kingsmen would dine on a floor literally covered in horse feces.  I knew we were in for a treat.

The Food:

The menu was prix fixe, which I truly prefer.  This way, the chef has the freedom to do what he does best and we just get to enjoy it.  As an added bonus, the menu was printed on a paper napkin just like they would have had in old European castles.

We began our meal with an appetizer of perfectly cooked garlic bread and fresh tomato bisque.  The perfect start to a perfect meal and (although I did no research on the subject) I believe these foods are truly authentic to the time period.

At first, I was concerned that there was no silverware, but quickly fell into line as I came to realize that all of these little touches only enhanced the experience.

The chicken was perfectly roasted and seasoned to perfection.  The single spare rib and slice of potato were the perfect complement to the meal.  The small portions helped insure I’d have room for dessert.

The beverage selection was amazing.  I decided to go with the 64 oz Medieval Margherita for a truly authentic experience.

The “pastry of the castle” was flaky and delicious.  I think the chef’s secret is to use a recipe similar to the McDonalds apple pie filling, and filling it was.   The waiter took a shine to me and gave me two pastries instead of the requisite one.

I am going to have to deduct a Hank point for the coffee because it was somewhat weak and they only had non-dairy creamer.

At this time, I’d like to give a special shout out to our server, “Serf Scott” for providing wonderful service.

The Show:

As an added bonus to our meal, we were surprised to find out that the staff had prepared a show special for us.  Although I wasn’t paying full attention, I believe there were a bunch of horses running around and people theatrically simulating sword fighting and jousting.

Overall, the food was amazing and the show was an added bonus.  We were excited to discover this hidden gem of a bistro.

1 Hank


Joie de Pee Part II: Urethral Boogaloo

•December 21, 2009 • 1 Comment

By Hank Friedmann, with help from New Guest Blogger’s Guest Blogger Adam Deyoe

It is at this present moment in time and space that I must hit the brakes, polish the spokes, and change the gears on this three-wheeled urinal-centric guest blogcycle.

It has come to my attention that, while many have read my previous review on the boy’s gym urinal at Hughes Middle School in Long Beach, California (here), few to none have actually ventured out of their mildewed opium dens in order to experience it for themselves. I cannot tell if this is due to the poor review it received (7 out of 10 Howards, 10 being AWFUL) or because the bulk of Howard’s readership are not allowed within the 50 yards of the premises of any middle school.

Because that particular urinal is all but unaccessible, and because I truly believe my guest blog deserves to reach Zagat-like fame, I have chosen to review more conveniently located urinals. So shut your big fat face, open your big fat eyes, and gaze unto a big fat guest blog the likes of which no man, woman, or in-betweener has ever gazed unto.

Urinal, Bar Lubitsch:
Писсуар (fr. Pissoir), Бар Любич

Bar Lubitsch is a Russian-themed bar in West Hollywood. For those not in the know, West Hollywood = (gay men + Russians/Ukranians/Belorussians)^2 = Bar Lubitsch. It’s Soviet-era urinal? To die for (and probably a couple of thousand folks in the Gulag have died in the process of manufacturing this monstrosity).

The Goods: (according to Deyoe)

  1. There’s only one urinal, making it a hot commode-ity
  2. Restroom has a bunker-like ambience
  3. Thick wall gives privacy
  4. Safe hiding space in an earthquake

The Bads: (according to Deyoe)

  1. Water overflow could damage shoes
  2. Flusher too high for elbow – bad for hygiene

Listen to the audio interview:

Despite this seemingly luke-warm review, Adam gives it 1 Howard out of 10 (according to Deyoe), ten Howards being absolutely vomitous.

In my opinion, Adam has been drawn in by Soviet propaganda and believes bigness = goodness. Therefore, the potential Kremlin stooge is forever banned from reviewing urinals, and I will take over in the name of Freedom.

Environmentally, this urinal is a disgrace. The sheer amount of kaolin used to create this porcelain monolith would upset even the most casual fan of An Inconvenient Truth. At present, with nearly all their kaolin gone to urinals and other oversized restroom fixtures, Russians and other former Soviet republics must use specialized cooking dough to create statues of their countries’ leaders.

Also, the 12 gallon flushing mechanism wastes water that could otherwise have been used to grow premium beats and potatoes on Soviet-era kolkhoz (communal farm). The water shortage caused by urinals such as this are credited as one of the lesser yet still significant causes of the downfall of the Soviet Union (288-290, Lenin’s Tomb, D. Remnick)


(beets are the main ingredient of borscht, which incidentally tastes like hot urine unless sour cream and salt are added and then tastes like hot urine with sour cream or salt)

Yet one cannot undermine the cultural value of having such a rare urinal in the States. Using it brings back memories of my own travels to Putin’s Paradise. In Russia, urinals like these are guarded by female sex-workers-turned-bathroom-attendants who sit inside the men’s room and collect 20 rubles per use (take my word for it – these ladies exist, but googling “Russian toilet lady” will not yield proper results). Also the poetic act of releasing a processed stream of All-American Budwieser onto a Soviet-made product whilst safe on American soil makes one feel victorious.

America, Fuck Yeah.

My rating is an attempt to balance the urinal’s cultural significance with my own awareness of its environmentally damaging aspects. Therefore, my review (and the only review you, as an American, should pay attention too) is 5 out of 10 Howards , ten being eaten alive by snarks like Howard.

Here’s a comedy sketch about toilets written by the slightly femme but talented writer Quinn Callens (as performed by the members of Mainstage Sketch)

Avatar – Movie Review

•December 21, 2009 • 3 Comments

I saw Avatar on Friday night. For those of you who don’t know what an avatar is, I’ll explain it. An Avatar is a computer user’s representation of themselves since they are too shy to go into the real world. It could be a 3d picture or 2d picture like this:

A friend gave me a ticket to a special screening in which James Cameron, Sigourney Weaver, Sam Worthington and producer Jon Landau were to speak at the end.

The ticket was free so I said “what the fuck is happening” with that?  I’ll go see it.

The Movie:

The movie was fine.  If you are slow or maybe just weren’t able to continue your education after the first grade, you will no doubt appreciate the exposition in this film.  If you miss something when it happens, don’t worry, the filmmakers made sure to hammer each little plot line several times so there would be no chance of anyone missing it.

You’ll walk away from this having learned not only something about the world we live in, but a little about yourself as well.

The Story:

The movie takes place on a planet called Pandora. Blah, Blah Blah. I think we all know the story because that can be gleaned from watching the trailer. US=BAD. We destroy things and only think of ourselves. Luckily a wolf in sheep’s clothing (Sam Worthington -who is really from the UK anyway) can single handedly save the day not only for America and Pandora, but for all mankind.

The heart behind this movie is in the story.  Yes, America is full of bad people, but we can all hope and believe that someday, a British guy putting on a terrible American accent can make us proud to be Americans again.

If you’re confused, please ask James Cameron why his 5 year plan for making this film didn’t include at least a week’s work with a vocal coach to help Sam Worthington sound at least somewhat authentic.  House can do it.  So can you.

The Effects:

The movie has some 3d effects too.  They were okay I guess.  I honestly didn’t see anything too revolutionary.  It looked fine I suppose.  After the movie, James Cameron was speaking about what the true advances were on this movie.  I wish I had heard him, but my attention was diverted by this lady:

She was sitting next to me and picking her teeth with a toothpick through the entire Q&A.  She made disgusting “approval-like” sounds as she got out each piece of food from in between her choppers.  Sounds like “ooh” and “mmm”.  I give myself lots of credit for not vomiting on the spot.

She also brought this pillow with her.  Not sure why:

This lady was annoying in so many ways.  She was one of those people who need to vocalize every emotion they have.  If something was scary she would say “That was scary.  Wasn’t that scary?”.  If something was funny she would laugh loudly and say “that was funny.”.  I think you get the idea.

Her crowning moment was during an awkward moment of the movie, people laughed at the awkwardness/cheesyness of the scene and she said “Why is everyone laughing?  That’s not funny.”. She’s a free thinker.

Avatar gets 3 Hanks

A Christmas miracle

•December 19, 2009 • Leave a Comment

All ten Hanks got together and wished me and the readers of WFTIH a happy holidays in the best way the Hanks know how, by being super-annoying.

The most interesting man in the world

•December 16, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Lexington Heliotrope

Racism in America (An Exposé) Part One

•December 14, 2009 • 1 Comment

Welcome to part one of my new feature titled “Racism In America (An Exposé)”.

In this article, I begin to uncover what I consider to be a resurgence of blatant racism in our country.

Part One:  Whole Foods is Clearly Racist

While shopping at Whole Foods the other day, a long time suspicion I have had was finally proven.  I have shopped there for several years and there is no doubt that many of the people I’ve seen shopping there are White.   To be fair, I have seen people of color there on occasion (mostly working there), but I think we can all agree that it’s mainly Whites who love paying too much for stuff.

You know what Whites don’t like?  Stereotyping and racism.  That’s why I was appalled by this display.

I say enough is enough.   It begins with garlic and the next thing you know, there are separate drinking fountains and schools all over again.   We need to stop this sort of behavior before it permeates our society.   I have asked Whole Foods to stop selling this racist and smelly food.  So please people, until Whole Foods caves to my demands, please help me by boycotting garlic whether it is White, Black or Asian.

Next Week: Fighting Racism in Furniture Manufacturing